Chapter 22

The day of the concert as they all gathered for a late breakfast Jon handed Lindsay her tickets for the show.

“Thanks. The girls are so excited I bet Julie didn’t sleep at all last night. What time are you guys heading down?” she asked as they entered the dining room.

“Just after noon. Obie’s muttering about acoustics and wants us there early for a sound check.” He answered.

“Have you decided whether you’re coming back tonight or staying in AC?”

“We’ll probably stay there. When are you planning to leave?”

“About two I think. Sheila said something about wanting to check out some casinos first…and try to get a glimpse of you guys of course.” She smiled even though it was a touchy subject.

“Aren’t you going with us?” David inquired. Richie kicked David under the table and shook his head.

“No, I’m going with some girl friends. I’ll be the one in the,” she looked at the tickets, then at Jon in gratitude, “front row dancing, screaming and singing along.”

She gave Jon a big hug. “I’ve never been in the front row before. Thank you.” He just nodded.



Taking one last look in the mirror, in full concert gear (and a little more risqué than what she would normally wear)and tugging lightly on her shirt, she blew out a breath, grabbed her jacket, and ran down to meet the girls. The trip to Atlantic City was short and full of laughs. It turned out that Sheila had never been to a Bon Jovi concert, so the other three were kept busy answering her questions about what to expect.

Touring around Atlantic City they took a short walk on the boardwalk, explored a few casinos and had a quick bite to eat before heading over to the Borgata early. Julie, Sheila and Barb were determined to track down the band, while Lindsay prayed that they didn’t. She wasn’t sure what Jon would do and didn’t want to take any chances.

Finally it was show time. Being in the front row in a venue like the Borgata was incredible. No fences ten feet out from the stage, in fact, if they really tried (and the burly security guards let them), they could touch it.

When the lights dimmed, Tico, David and Hugh came out first. David stepped forward, did a little spin and waved to the crowd. Lindsay heard two girls behind her discussing him. “David looks really good tonight.” “Yeah, wow, that’s a great shirt.” Smiling she gave David the thumbs up and he grinned.

Next Richie came out to take his position. The crowd erupted even louder. Walking to the front of the stage he waved, looked down at Lindsay and winked. She grinned back.

“Oh my God! Did you see that?” Julie gushed. “He winked at us!”

The excitement in the room was palpable as everyone waited for Jon to take the stage. Lindsay was excited and more than a little nervous. Part of her hoped he was already in the zone, but deep down a part of her wanted him to acknowledge her in some small way.

When he stepped forward and looked over the crowd she held her breath. At the last he looked down at her. And smiled. She smiled back and relaxed.

The show was fantastic. Jon’s voice was in great form, the crowd was really into it and the guys seemed to be having a blast. The girls were all hoarse from screaming, their hands hurt from clapping and they wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

While they were waiting for the encore to start a security guard walked over to them. “Miss Chandler?”

“Yes?” she replied warily.

“Here, these are for you and your friends.” At her confused look he added, “the band would like to invite you girls backstage after the show.”

Taking the VIP passes from him she thanked him. The girls looked at her, then each other in silence for a moment, then screamed in unison.

“Oh my God Lindsay, you are so wonderful, how did you do that?” Sheila asked.

“I don’t know, maybe it’s just Jon’s way of saying thank you or something.” She shrugged. Or something indeed. I’m going to kill him!

When the encore was done and the band had taken their final bow and left the stage, the same security guard came over to them. “If you ladies will come with me please?” Following him down the hallway they flashed their passes at several guards. With each step Lindsay’s temper rose. Luckily the other three were too excited to notice.

Stopping in front of a closed door the guard knocked, then opened it when bidden. Lindsay entered first. Taking a quick look around she pinned Jon with a look that could cut glass. He just smiled.

Walking up to them he took her hand. “Hi, girls. I just wanted to say hi, and thank you again for all of your help finding my daughter.”

“Well, we really didn’t do much, it was mostly Lindsay.” Sheila managed to get out.

When they all turned to her Lindsay pasted on what she hoped was a convincing smile as she pulled her hand from his. Remembering her manners she introduced the girls to Jon, and caught herself just before she did the same with the rest of the band. As he introduced them to the guys, he kept trying to get next to her. Finally in a desperate attempt to keep the lid on her temper she moved to sit on a couch. If he singled her out now it would get ugly. Letting the conversation flow around her she rehearsed in her mind what she would say to him later.

Sensing someone close she looked up to see Richie taking a seat beside her. “You’re pissed.” It wasn’t a question.

“Rich, I am so far beyond pissed I don’t have a word for it.” She was almost trembling.

“Well, sweetie, if you want to get through this without a big scene, you better try and relax and smile a bit. That Julie chick is already looking at you strangely.” He warned.

She sighed. “Shit, that’s exactly what I wanted to avoid, she’s a huge gossip.”

“We’ll help. Ignore Jon, talk to us, and we’ll get you through it.” He offered.

She smiled the first real smile since she walked in the room. “Thanks.”

True to his word Richie exerted himself to distract the girls and make her laugh. David and Tico soon joined in.

After about half an hour at a signal from Richie, Lindsay rounded up the girls. “Well, I bet the guys have people waiting for them, and we have a bit of drive ahead of us, so we should get going.” Reluctantly the rest agreed. A round of “thank you”, “good night”,and “great show” and they were out the door.

Halfway down the hallway, Lindsay realized that she had left her purse by the couch where she had been sitting. Dammit! Stopping the girls she explained what happened. “You guys go ahead I’ll only be a minute. I’ll meet you in the lobby.”

Running back down the hallway she knocked on the door. When Tico opened it she smiled wryly. “Sorry Teek, but I forgot my purse.” He smiled and let her in.

Rushing over to the couch she grabbed her purse and headed for the door. She had just reached it when his voice reached her. “I don’t know why you’re pissed.”

Quietly closing the door she turned around and looked at him. He was leaning against a table with his arms crossed over his chest looking mutinous.

“Sure you do Jon, you’re not stupid. But just so there’s no confusion let me spell it out for you. You know how I feel about anyone outside of this room knowing about our relationship. You know that there are reporters and cameras crawling all over this place. You know that I’m not ready to go public. You know all of this and yet you had to push. You had to scheme and manipulate to get me where you wanted me. And worse, you did it in front of the biggest gossip in New Jersey.” As she spoke her voice rose in volume until she was almost shouting. She was definitely shaking. “You completely disregarded my feelings!”

“What about my feelings?!” He shouted back.

“I understand your feelings and I’m trying.” She waved a hand around the room. “The fact that these guys even know I exist if proof that I’m trying!”

“Trying to what Lindsay? I don’t understand why you’re so opposed to anyone knowing about us. What exactly is the problem?” He ran a hand through his hair in exasperation.

“Jon, if you knew that heartbreaking pain was waiting for you wouldn’t you try to put it off for as long as possible?! I’m just not ready.” She was on the brink of tears.

“Not ready for what? Dammit Lindsay talk to me! Not ready for what!”

“I’m not ready to lose you!” There it was, her greatest fear exposed. Her stomach was churning and her heart was pounding.

He looked confused. “What makes you think you’re going to lose me? And what does that have to do with acknowledging our relationship? You’re not making any sense!

“Once we go public it’s only a matter of time before you’ll leave me, and it’s generally sooner rather than later.” She was desperately fighting for control.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” He could sense her certainty and it added fear to his feelings of frustration. “Why would I leave you just because other people know that we’re together?”

She just shook her head.

“Lindsay!”

“Because they all do!” she broke. “Every man I’ve ever cared about, or tried to, every man I let get even a little close to me has walked away as soon as anyone else found out he might be interested in me!” Spinning around she ran out the door, slamming it behind her, leaving the room in stunned silence.




Chapter 23

Lindsay was thankful that the girls were so excited about meeting the band that they chattered all the way home and didn’t notice that she hadn’t said a word.

Back in her apartment she got ready for bed, but couldn’t sleep. Pacing around she felt caged and knew she had to get out. Throwing on jeans and a sweater, she grabbed a jacket and headed for the beach. She was hoping that the sound of the waves would soothe her. She walked along the beach for hours trying to convince herself that it was going to be alright, that everything would work out. When dawn broke she quit lying to herself, sat down just beyond the water’s reach curled her knees up to her chest, rested her head on her knees and wept. She cried for everything she’d had and lost. She cried for the pain and emptiness inside her that she knew would always be there. Mostly, she cried for her lost hope of ever having someone to share her life with. What’s wrong with me? She asked herself for the thousandth time. And for the thousandth time her only answer was silence.

She continued to sit there long after her tears had stopped. A chill wind had picked up, but she didn’t feel it. She was numb. She didn’t hear him walk up behind her. She barely felt the blanket he wrapped around her.

“Come on, it’s cold out here. Let’s get you home.” Bending he picked her up and carried her to the car.

At her apartment he lit the fire, made her a hot toddy and cradled her on his lap, slowly stroking her from her crown to her hips. Finally she shivered and he knew she was coming back to awareness.

“Are you warm enough?” he asked.

She nodded, but huddled closer to him. He squeezed her reassuringly.

“Are you ready to talk?”

“Do I have to?” She whispered.

“I’d like to.” He answered.

Closing her eyes she bowed her head and gave in. “What do you want to know?”

“Everything. Start at the beginning.” His voice was gentle, but determined.

She sighed. “I guess it started in University - in high school we went out more as a group than in couples. Anyway, my first year, I met Brad. At first we were just friends, then it grew to be something more, except every time someone suggested or teased that we were a couple he couldn’t back away fast enough. When attention went elsewhere he came back. For two and a half years we played ‘come here, go away’. It finally ended with him proposing to someone else with me sitting at the table. She knew what had been going on and immediately turned to me with this big smile on her face. I should say I thought it had ended. It wasn’t very long before he was back knocking on my door. She worked days and he worked afternoons, so after she went to bed he would come see me, and we would drive around while he told me how unhappy he was with her. His family talked to me about what a bitch she was and why didn’t I do something? I told him if he was so unhappy to break it off. I told him what his family had been saying to me. He married her.”

She took a sip of her toddy and continued, her voice emotionless. “Next was Greg who I worked with at my first job. He was cute, smart, funny and seemed to really enjoy my company. After Brad I was afraid to trust the signals I thought I was getting, so I asked another female co-worker what she thought. She watched for a while and then confirmed my reading. An off hand comment was made, and a week later he was dating someone else.”

Another sip, another story. “Then it was Eddie. I worked with him for two summers in a traveling carnival. I worked in the office, he worked the rides. He was different than the men I was used to. High school education, blue collar all the way, and he was gorgeous. He looked like Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. I used to love to sit and brush his hair. The second summer we became…involved. Everything was going great until the bosses caught wind of it. They weren’t upset, in fact they thought it was great. Two weeks later I heard rumours of him sleeping with one of the girls who worked in a game. When I confronted him he admitted it and said he wasn’t sorry.”

“Honey....” He began, but she stopped him.

“I’m not done yet. Finally there was Bill. This was about three and a half years ago. He worked in a different department than I did, but we had similar positions and traveled in the same circles. By now I was ignoring any kind of signs or signals. It was a couple of my friends who finally convinced me to give it a try, that he treated me differently than he did anyone else and that they were sure he was interested. One night there was a big office party and I decided to let him know I was interested too. He seemed pleased. Several weeks later I heard he was moving in with a girl from another department. It turns out that he was spending time with me, then leaving and going to her place. When someone mentioned to him that he’d seen us together he moved in with her.”

Taking another sip she finally looked at him. “Now do you understand? Do you understand why I say that going public will kill our relationship? For some reason men don’t want to be associated with me in front of other people. I am every man’s friend and no man’s girlfriend. I don’t know why, I only know that I’ve learned the hard way that it’s true. That the only relationship I can sustain is a secret one. I’m not fit for public consumption.”

“And you think that I’ll be the same.” It wasn’t a question.

“I’m afraid that the same thing will happen with you. Deep down I’ve always figured it was because I wasn’t pretty enough, sexy enough. I was too plain for men to want to be seen with. And here you are…a gorgeous rock star who could have any woman in the world – literally. Why would you want to be with me? Photographers fight to take your picture and starlets and models fight to be in them with you. How can I compete with that?” She shook her head. “I can’t. If pictures of us appeared in the tabloids people would wonder what you were thinking. You could do so much better.” She let out a ragged breath.

Jon rocked her back and forth in his arms for a few minutes, then framed her face with his hands and locked his gaze with hers.

“Lindsay, look at me. I want you to listen to me very carefully. I don’t know what was going on in the minds of those guys. Maybe it was immaturity, maybe they just weren’t ready, maybe they were afraid of what you made them feel, or maybe they knew that you could do so much better than them. I don’t know. I do know that it had nothing to do with you not being pretty enough or sexy enough! You are more beautiful to me than I have words to express, and as for sexy! Every time I look at you I want to haul you off to bed. And once we’re there, every time is better than the last and leaves me yearning for the next time. As for how you can compete with starlets and models, you don’t have to. I left that phase of my life behind a long time ago. I don’t want them, I want you. If people want to know what I’m thinking and why I want to be with you I’d be more than happy to tell them. Why do I want to be with you? Because you’re bright, beautiful, caring, sensitive, you have a great sense of humour and put other people’s feelings before your own. You’re understanding and supportive and giving enough to let me be me and do what I feel I need to do and what makes me happy, yet strong enough to tell me to get stuffed when I push too hard or I need to be brought back to earth. You’re considerate and loving to my children. You greet my friends with open arms, warmth and affection. You are everything I’ve ever wanted and needed.”

He took a deep breath and searched her eyes. “In short Lindsay, I want to be with you because you make me happy…because I love you.”

She searched his eyes afraid to believe, afraid to hope, but wanting to with all her being.

When she tried to speak, he put a finger against her lips and shook his head. “No don’t say anything. Just give me a chance to prove it to you.”

Leaning forward he replaced his finger with his lips. Softly, gently he teased her, brushing her mouth lightly with his. Lacing her fingers in his hair she tried to pull him closer but he resisted. Hearing her growl of frustration he chuckled and gave her what she wanted. Swooping down he captured her mouth completely. When she opened for him he thrust his tongue deep, explored then lured her to return the favour. When she obliged he sucked hard on her tongue then bit down gently. Groaning he stood with her in his arms and carried her into the bedroom.

Laying her gently on the bed he joined her and began removing her clothes. When he had her naked he caressed her whole body reverently almost worshipping, telling with his hands how beautiful her found her. Turning her on her stomach he swept her long hair aside and slowly massaged her neck and shoulders easing the tension that had been there for too long. Kneading down her arm he took each finger in turn in his mouth, nibbling and sucking gently. Then he repeated the procedure on her other arm.

Spanning her back with his hands he rubbed in small circles, sensitizing her skin and relaxing her at the same time. As she melted beneath him he ran the tip of his tongue down the furrow of her spine. Reaching her buttocks he cupped both cheeks and kneaded firmly. She moaned in response.

Smiling he circled a thigh with both hand and massaged down to her toes. Then he started on the other leg. Then he turned her over.

Starting just below her ear he suck-kissed his way down to her breasts leaving loving marks of his passion on her skin. Cupping her breasts he raised the hard peaks towards his mouth. Biting them gently he listened to her cries and pleas for release. Smiling he laved her nipples with his tongue, then suckled them strongly. She screamed and arched her back off the bed. Releasing her he moved down, massaging, kissing and licking her abdomen until he reached his goal.

Spreading her legs he traced her soft flesh with gentle fingertips until she writhed beneath him and demanded more. Spreading the soft folds he slowly licked a path up and down until she was running wet and gasping for breath. Taking her most sensitive nub of flesh between his teeth he sucked, first softly, then harder until she screamed and the pulsations of her climax caused her whole body to shake.

Still panting she realized it wasn’t enough – and he was still dressed. Pushing him onto his back she quickly straddled him and set about evening the score. Leaning forward she traced the tip of her tongue around the shell of his ear before dipping it down in, enjoying the shiver that racked him. Moving to his mouth she kissed him deeply while she began to slowly unfasten his shirt – one button at a time. When she reached the last one she yanked the tails out of his waistband and spread the halves wide baring his chest for her pleasure. Spreading her hands wide she placed them over his pecs and stroked down to his waist reveling in the firm muscle she found. One index finger teased the nailhead of his nipple circling it until it stood up for her. After treating its mate to the same torture she bent over and took one into her mouth sucking hard and laving it with her tongue. Hearing his ravaged moan she moved down to his abdomen tracing his ribs and six pack with first her fingers, then her tongue. Lifting his hand she sucked his index finger into her mouth and grazed the sensitive sides with her teeth while she unbuttoned his sleeve. Repeating the gesture on his other arm, she then pushed the shirt off his shoulders. She watched the play of his abs as he raised up to remove the shirt entirely.

Leaving him gasping for breath she slid down to remove the rest of his clothing. Straddling his hips once again she gazed down at her prize. Reaching out she traced a finger up its hard length then gently circled the tip. Looking up at the strangled sound he made she saw the increasing rise and fall of his chest as he fought to take a deep breath, the sweat gathering on his upper lip and the blaze of his blue eyes under lowered lids.

Smiling almost evilly she looked down again, and lowered her head. Taking him in her mouth she alternated between sucking and licking with the occasional nibble thrown in. Unable to hold back his moans he arched involuntarily, shuddered and pleaded with her to stop. She didn’t. When he had taken all he could, he grasped her head with both hands and gently pulled her away. In an impressive display of coordinated movement he sat up, caught her in his arms, flipped her on her back, and spreading her legs entered her in a controlled rush. Then he held still.

Panting, he nibbled on her lips as he savoured the feel of her intimate grip. Then she tightened – everywhere and he gasped and almost lost control. Smiling she wrapped her arms and legs around him and urged him to show her heaven again….and he did, moving slowly at first then faster, harder, deeper until they reached the peak together and collapsed.

Moving off her, still panting he pulled her close. Pressing a kiss to her forehead he urged her: “Sleep honey, I promise I’ll still be here when you wake up.”

Smiling sleepily she placed her palm over his heart and did as he suggested.



Chapter 24

Lindsay woke to find Jon sitting beside her on the bed reading through some papers. Sensing her gaze he looked at her, smiled, leaned over and gave her a deep kiss.

“Feeling better?” he smoothed the hair back from her face.

Caressing his cheek with her hand she answered honestly. “You make me feel good. But I’m still scared to death.”

Catching her hand he planted a kiss in her palm. “But willing to give us a chance?”

Biting her lower lip she frowned slightly, but nodded. “Just please be patient with me and don’t get upset if I get too clingy.”

“Honey, you can cling to me all you want, anytime, anywhere.” He grinned. She grinned back.

Looking at his watch he slapped her playfully on the butt. “Get dressed lazy bones. We’ve got a reservation, and if you don’t cover that body we’re going to miss it.”

“Reservation where?” She tried to calm her suddenly racing pulse.

“Elements. Don’t worry, no paparazzi, just a nice dinner at my brother’s place. An easy first step.”


In the car, he told her about his brother Matt and Desiree, how Matt got the business started, amusing stories from their childhood in an attempt to help her relax. While she appreciated the effort, and it helped for a bit, when they pulled into the parking lot her stomach was in knots and her heart was pounding so hard she thought for sure it was going to jump right out of her chest. Relax idiot. This isn’t the hard part. That comes tomorrow. Watching Jon come around to open her door she took a deep breath, then another getting herself under control before taking the hand he offered to help her out of the car. Standing she waited while he shut the door and turned to her. Lacing their hands together tightly he leaned down and kissed her lightly. “Ready?” When she blew out a breath and nodded he raised their joined hands. “Hang on as hard as you need to. I won’t let go.” He promised. She smiled and nodded again and they headed inside.

Matt met them at the door. “Hey bro, nice to see you. So what’s this big surprise?” Seeing Lindsay he raised a questioning brow at Jon, when Jon smiled he took a closer look at her. She held her breath. “Well, well, who do we have here?”

“Lindsay, I’d like you to meet my brother Matt. Matt, this is Lindsay Chandler…my girlfriend.” Jon introduced them.

“Girlfriend! Wow, that is a surprise! Wait a minute,… Lindsay…..are you the one who found Stephanie?” Lindsay nodded. “Good job!” He beamed at her approvingly and hugged her. “Come on your table’s ready. I should warn you. There’s a group of women up near the front who I think are fans. They’ve been pretty calm, but they just started their fourth bottle of wine, so anything’s possible.”

As they followed Matt through the room there was a noticeable buzz as people recognized Jon. Keeping her eyes straight ahead she tightened her grip on Jon’s hand. He squeezed hers reassuringly.

Reaching the table she was pleasantly surprised to find Richie, David, Tico and Hugh already there. Remembering what happened the last time she saw them she was a little embarrassed, but they quickly put her at ease.

Dinner was a hilarious affair with the guys relating humorous stories of their adventures and teasing each other mercilessly. Throughout it all Jon was very attentive to Lindsay, touching her in little ways, his arm always either on the back of her chair playing with her hair or around her shoulders caressing her arm.

“So have you ever actually been arrested?” She asked

“No, but we came awful close that time in London.” David answered. “Who would have thought playing a little music in a hotel room and opening the windows would have been such a big deal?” He looked so innocent she laughed out loud.

“Incoming.” Tico murmured.

Glancing up Lindsay saw the group of women that Matt had warned them about heading towards their table.

“Hi, we’re really sorry to bother you, but could we have your autographs?” The leader requested, holding out paper and pen.

“Sure.” Richie answered reaching out for the paper.

“We’re all really huge fans. We were at the show last night and you guys were fantastic.” Another one gushed.

“Jon, I was really sorry to hear about your break up. It must be really hard on you.” This from a very improbably endowed blonde who exuded sex, and was bending over so far to show her wares that she was almost lying on the table.

“Mmmhmmm.” Was Jon’s only response, but Lindsay could see the muscle in his jaw twitch.

“Could we possibly trouble you for a picture too?”

Jon hesitated and glanced at Lindsay. She nodded slightly and squeezed his thigh where her hand had been resting.

“Ok, a quick one.” He answered.

“Would you be a dear?” The blonde asked Lindsay, motioning with her camera.

“Sure, no problem.” Lindsay answered and rose to come around the table.

The blonde immediately took her place and draped herself over Jon’s arm. Now it was Lindsay’s jaw’s turn to twitch. The other women spread out among the guys. Lindsay snapped two pictures and lowered the camera. And waited. And waited. She walked around the table and handed the camera back to the blonde. And waited.

“Ok girls, that’s it thanks. Glad you liked the show. Thanks for your support.” Jon ended the visit…or tried to. The other women all gathered up their belongings and prepared to leave. The blonde didn’t move.

After a few more minutes, unwilling to show weakness Lindsay cleared her throat softly. The blonde looked at her questionly. “I’d like to finish my dessert.” Lindsay said gesturing towards the bowl of fruit sitting in front of her place at the table.

“Yeah, in a minute sweetie, I’m talking to Jon. Besides, it looks like it wouldn’t hurt you to skip a few desserts.”

“Hey” Hugh jumped to Lindsay’s defense. “That was rude.” The blonde just shrugged.

Smiling her thanks to Hugh, and bolstered by his support, Lindsay turned to the blonde. “At least what I have is made by God and a personal trainer, not some inept plastic surgeon…..sweetie.” The guys laughed. The blonde turned an unbecoming shade of red.

“Well, if you think what you’ve got is going to keep a man like Jon, you’re in for a big shock.” She blustered.

Jon looked at her in disbelief. “Since you don’t know me or what I like, maybe you should consider that she’s with me at my request. You’re sitting here at my sufferance. And I’m done suffering.” Turning to her friends he smiled. “It was nice to meet you ladies, but we’d like to continue with our evening now please….and take your friend here with you.”

Mortified, the others apologized, grabbed the blonde and made a beeline back to their table.

“Well, I can see that outings with you guys will never be boring.” Lindsay quipped as she sat back down.

Jon put his arm around her shoulders, hugged her close and gave her a brief kiss. Matt came rushing over. “Is everything ok? Lindsay are you alright?” he asked obviously concerned.

“Yes Matt, I’m fine thanks.” She looked at Jon. “So…how often does something like that happen?”

He grinned “Feeling feisty are you?”

She was actually. Winning in this arena was a heady feeling - and a new one for her. “Just trying to figure out if it’s safe to let you go out on your own.”

“Want to be my bodyguard?”

“Hey, you’ve been telling me all day that I’ve got exclusive rights to it. I protect what’s mine.”

They all laughed.

“I like her.” Matt told Jon.

“So do I.” Jon smiled at her, the warmth in his eyes causing an answering warmth deep in her core.